blehh

sometimes i just need to vent. talk out loud so it makes sense, you know? and i guess i will now because i just dont know about some thnigs. plus no one is online. no one is every really online when i need to talk.

[ahem]
a lot of general people say to go with your gut feeling on things or follow your heart or go with first instincts about everything concerning decision-making and living life. i happen to have exhausted those options and found that they all suck. my gut feeling consists of sick, twisted up, nervous, doubting feelings that should mostly be ignored. my heart aches a lot and when i come to a point requiring a decision my heart is usually still weighing out the odds. my first instinct always leads me to trust and forgive and deny and overlook literally everything. ergo i just go with whatever comes out of my mouth. now youd think that what comes out of my mouth during important times wouldnt be that bad since i think a lot and hardly ever want to take back a statement, but that is never the case in conversations that involve bad feelings.

every time i have to talk about things that make me feel bad i end up not making my point very well, losing my train of thought all together, and somehow apologizing for my actions. its ridiculous that i can start a conversation with good means to be upset and end apologizing as if i was wrong all along. i know im a pretty emotionally driven person, but my feelings never drive me to be crazy or illogical or anything of that nature. i am always right [even just a little] whenever i make a point. i have reasons and facts and im just right.

i guess my problem is with myself because i make peace before addressing my interests and feelings. i always feel shorthanded about well, everything. i do give a lot of time and energy when i want to do something right. that is never a bad thing though, and i would never take any of that back. i love being a good person, and i do not expect i deserve anything in return of my being a good person. i just feel like i dont get anything back though. like its more give than take all the time.

also, i keep thinking about how a good amount of things are simple to do. small, simple, nice things are so easy to do that its a shame people dont do them. its almost funny [and a bit depressing] how not-far out of the way you have to go . . . and isnt it all the little things in life that make everything nicer/more enjoyable anyways? nothing time consuming of course. just little notes or gestures or words or anything to bring happiness into the day is so much more appreciated than you could possibly imagine. i mean, if they make you feel that great then why not return the favor?

and, on another note, i think ive figured out the issue of jealousy. not like its so complicated in the first place, but for talking aloud's sake. being jealous of someone or actions is really common in relationships and it always leads to arguments and trust issues and even break up and whatever but no one realizes how easy it is to overcome the problem. people get jealous of other people giving and getting attention from their partner right? and it happens because whether it seems like it or not someone doesnt feel comfortable with the amount of attention theyre being given. [i understand some cases are different than others depending on levels of insecurities and whatnot, but if youre going to be with someone like that in the first place youre well aware of their extra needs] obviously your partner giving attention to someone else is going to spark bad feelings because it isnt understood why they give attention to others instead of you. its like youre with me and im choosing to overlook everyone else to make you happy so i should be treated special to a certain non-crazy degree beyond being given the title of 'yours'. yeah, it sucks and yeah, it happens and frankly i dont know how to get over it if nothing in the scenario changes. and a lot of the time the scenario doesnt change and things do slowly get worse. and actually, most of the time the one who makes jealous, so to speak, does not care at all. and moreover, that is straight bull.

***and to be clear im not including the part where if jealousy is really a problem you should treat it as such and probably just dump the person because its obviously not worth it. and also some people are just crazy.

so, i guess to conclude, i should probably stick to my guns more regardless of the potentially not great outcome or get over myself, and getting jealous is not anyones fault but the dumb, insensitive, half-ass partner that should get a taste of their own medicine one day. and yes, if your partner has ever told you they were jealous or felt overlooked you can take that half-ass part as an insult because you dont deserve them at all and need to overcompensate for your mis-steps right now before they come to their senses and dump your lame ass.

so there. //sigh